Question: A Reader Asks: Are We Too Strict With Our Grandchildren?
I've read many articles about the parents being too strict and the grandparents spoiling, or grandparents telling the parents how to parent; but, our experience has been somewhat different. For years we have watched in silence as our grandchildren are not consistently disciplined. We bite our tongues because we sincerely believe that it is their turn to raise their children.
Apparently, biting our tongues isn't enough because our son exploded at us during his last visit, stating that he senses that we don't agree with their child-rearing techniques and saying that the tension he feels while here is our fault.
We have certain rules when children and grandchildren visit us. There is to be no jumping on the beds, no running on the stairs and no screaming indoors. The grandchildren are to respect our property. Also, when it comes time to pick up or clean up, everyone is to chip in and help out. When we have to remind the grandchildren of the rules, they often argue with us, or they may just keep doing what they are doing, or they may say that they do it that way at home. If I say that we do it differently here in our house, the kids sulk or talk back.
During the last visit, the issue came to a head because the 5-year-old is still allowed to have temper tantrums. If he doesn't get his way, he will begin to wail very loudly. The parents just tune him out. It is difficult for us to do that, so we are the ones being punished.
During their last visit, when he began to wail, we suggested that it was time for bed. That is when all hell broke loose, with our son and his wife shouting at us in front of the children.
The children are all homeschooled and do not have many times they have to obey authority figures other than their parents. Are being too strict in expecting them to obey our rules while they are in our house?
Answer:
This is a sticky situation that I am sure many grandparents can relate to. You are well within your rights to set down rules for your own home. But I feel that the rules aren't the real problem. The problem is that you failed to hide your feelings about your son and daughter-in-law's parenting methods. You thought that you were being suitably diplomatic, but your true feelings were being broadcast loud and clear. Your son and his wife perceived them and reacted. So what's a grandparent to do?
I have three suggestions. The first one is the hardest. It involves a real change in attitude. You must decide what's the most important to you, having a relationship with your children and grandchildren, or having your standards met. I think you'll decide that family relationships are more important. If so, resolve your family dispute. An apology to your son and his wife may be necessary. Then, before the next visit, put away anything that's really precious to you, and resolve to be more laid-back. It may help to ask, "What's the worst thing that can happen?"
The second suggestion is to take the children out more. In good weather, take them to the zoo or park. In bad weather, try an indoor playground or museum. I sometimes rent a bounce house when all of my grandchildren are coming over. It makes a big difference in my stress level if the grandkids are releasing some of their energy out-of-doors.
The third suggestion is to take it easier during their visits. I sense from your letter that you've been spending a lot of time preparing meals and cleaning up. Try paper plates. Call out for pizza sometimes. When you are working too hard, your irritability threshold is lowered.
Response From Another Reader: Try to turn the situation on its head by creating a positive motive for the grandchildren to cooperate. This may not be easy with a large and unruly family, but try making it fun to do things your way. Make a game of table manners, with the winner getting to choose the evening movie. "The Tiptoe Game" rewards the one who is the quietest on the stairs, or make a rule that they must go up the stairs backwards, which forces them to slow down. Remember: You're dealing with young minds that are curious. Since you can't set limits, give them "challenges."
Adapted from a post in the Grandparents Forum. See more questions from readers.
I've read many articles about the parents being too strict and the grandparents spoiling, or grandparents telling the parents how to parent; but, our experience has been somewhat different. For years we have watched in silence as our grandchildren are not consistently disciplined. We bite our tongues because we sincerely believe that it is their turn to raise their children.
Apparently, biting our tongues isn't enough because our son exploded at us during his last visit, stating that he senses that we don't agree with their child-rearing techniques and saying that the tension he feels while here is our fault.
We have certain rules when children and grandchildren visit us. There is to be no jumping on the beds, no running on the stairs and no screaming indoors. The grandchildren are to respect our property. Also, when it comes time to pick up or clean up, everyone is to chip in and help out. When we have to remind the grandchildren of the rules, they often argue with us, or they may just keep doing what they are doing, or they may say that they do it that way at home. If I say that we do it differently here in our house, the kids sulk or talk back.
During the last visit, the issue came to a head because the 5-year-old is still allowed to have temper tantrums. If he doesn't get his way, he will begin to wail very loudly. The parents just tune him out. It is difficult for us to do that, so we are the ones being punished.
During their last visit, when he began to wail, we suggested that it was time for bed. That is when all hell broke loose, with our son and his wife shouting at us in front of the children.
The children are all homeschooled and do not have many times they have to obey authority figures other than their parents. Are being too strict in expecting them to obey our rules while they are in our house?
Answer:
This is a sticky situation that I am sure many grandparents can relate to. You are well within your rights to set down rules for your own home. But I feel that the rules aren't the real problem. The problem is that you failed to hide your feelings about your son and daughter-in-law's parenting methods. You thought that you were being suitably diplomatic, but your true feelings were being broadcast loud and clear. Your son and his wife perceived them and reacted. So what's a grandparent to do?
I have three suggestions. The first one is the hardest. It involves a real change in attitude. You must decide what's the most important to you, having a relationship with your children and grandchildren, or having your standards met. I think you'll decide that family relationships are more important. If so, resolve your family dispute. An apology to your son and his wife may be necessary. Then, before the next visit, put away anything that's really precious to you, and resolve to be more laid-back. It may help to ask, "What's the worst thing that can happen?"
The second suggestion is to take the children out more. In good weather, take them to the zoo or park. In bad weather, try an indoor playground or museum. I sometimes rent a bounce house when all of my grandchildren are coming over. It makes a big difference in my stress level if the grandkids are releasing some of their energy out-of-doors.
The third suggestion is to take it easier during their visits. I sense from your letter that you've been spending a lot of time preparing meals and cleaning up. Try paper plates. Call out for pizza sometimes. When you are working too hard, your irritability threshold is lowered.
Response From Another Reader: Try to turn the situation on its head by creating a positive motive for the grandchildren to cooperate. This may not be easy with a large and unruly family, but try making it fun to do things your way. Make a game of table manners, with the winner getting to choose the evening movie. "The Tiptoe Game" rewards the one who is the quietest on the stairs, or make a rule that they must go up the stairs backwards, which forces them to slow down. Remember: You're dealing with young minds that are curious. Since you can't set limits, give them "challenges."
Adapted from a post in the Grandparents Forum. See more questions from readers.
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