It's awesome to have a support network when you are a new mama.
You need that unconditional love.
But sometimes, a support network can feel little more like an enabling network.
Those who support you don't want to see you get hurt or endure any pain.
They don't want you to make mistakes.
They want to protect you from challenges that may be difficult for you.
They try to save you.
Those who want to stretch you don't want you to waste your potential.
They want you to reach your set goals so you can relish in the feeling of success.
They push you to take risks and see your goals through to completion.
Sometimes those who stretch you can be frustrating, though, because they don't relent.
They give you a nudge when you really need a hug.
How to tell if they are supporting you or stretching you: Your mom is supporting you when she says, "You know you can just feed formula.
I fed you formula.
" She is stretching you when she says, "The first few weeks are really hard, but you are doing an amazing job.
Remember how hard it was when you studied abroad that year in France? But you did it and you were so proud of yourself in the end.
You can do this too.
" Your husband is supporting you when he says, "Whatever you want to do is okay with me honey.
" He is stretching you when he says, "You want to breastfeed.
I know you feel like you want to quit right now, but that isn't what you really want.
I am here with you; we will get through tonight together.
" Your pediatrician is supporting you when he says, "Of course breastfeeding is best, but it is your choice.
Plenty of babies thrive on formula.
" He is stretching you when he says, "Just stick to it for another week and then we will check back in and see how baby's weight gain is.
" Your best friend is supporting you when she says, "I am here for you.
Anytime you need me to come over and feed the baby I am happy to.
It is okay to use formula every now and then.
That's what I did.
" She is stretching you when she says, "Stop whining and just do this.
Yup, it is hard, but everything worth doing is hard.
So, make it through tonight and tomorrow I will give you a ride to the LC's office.
" Your lactation consultant is supporting you when she says, "If you are worried that the baby isn't getting enough milk, breastfeed the baby as much as you can, then supplement with formula.
You can pump after that to stimulate.
" She is stretching you when she says, "The baby is getting enough from you and gaining enough.
You need to trust your body and your baby.
You know what you are doing.
"

You can't control what other people say; you can only control how you respond and how you let what they say affect you.

So, you can't make someone support you when you need support and stretch you when you need stretch.
You can, however, process what they are saying within the framework of stretch or support.
So, in the example from of your mom: She says, "You know you can just feed formula.
I fed you formula.
" This may make you feel angry and judged.
You may think that she believes you are failing at breastfeeding or that you are a bad mother.
Really, she is just trying to support and protect you.
She is seeing her baby struggle and she wants to fix it for you (that's what mommies do!).
When she says, "The first few weeks are really hard, but you are doing an amazing job.
Remember how hard it was when you studied abroad that year in France? But you did it and you were so proud of yourself in the end.
You can do this too.
" This may make you feel like she is being too tough on you.
You might think, "What does France have to do with breastfeeding?!" But, she knows you better than anyone.
She knows what you are capable of and she believes in you.
She wants you to succeed.
Who do you have in your life who supports you? Who stretches you?