I get a lot of emails from people who assure me that they are "no longer in love anymore" and just can't imagine staying in the marriage this way.
Unfortunately, they also can not imagine things ever changing or getting any better.
  So, they often see no way out and they figure that they must accept an existence where they are living in a loveless marriage or are just going through the motions.
Often they will ask if they should just save every one a lot of time and aggravation and go forward with starting separation and divorce proceedings.
  This is often really the only way that they see to begin fixing the problem.
  Many believe that they've tried everything, but that they and their spouse are just not compatible anymore, or that one of them have changed, or that they only have the children in common and are only living like roommates, etc.
I completely understand this as these phrases described my own marriage right before my husband filed for divorce.
  However, I am living proof that things really can change.
The "Is This All There Is" View Of Your Marriage:  Often when people write to me and describe this scenario, I'll ask them if they are wondering "is this all there is?"  Many, will often say "yes, that's exactly how I feel.
  It's as if there's never any thing new or anything to really look forward to or strive for.
" Once I have their attention, I will ask why this is.
They'll often shrug and say something like "well, I guess things just got stale," or "I guess we just grew apart," or something of that sort.
I often will clarity and ask if this is a conscious thing by both spouses or if one spouse is out and out refusing to participate in the marriage.
 Sometimes this is the case, but mostly and eventually, both people eventually tone down their efforts and just no longer put in the time or the kind of intense and concentrated efforts that contributed to their feeling "in love" and connected in the first place.
Actually, I'm very glad that you're wondering if this is as good as it gets because it most certainly is not.
  I want for you to be dissatisfied so that you will then be motivated to actually change things.
In truth, things can improve a great deal.
  As I said, I've seen this happen first hand.
  But I've also seen it happen with countless readers.
  However, I'll give you fair warning ahead of time.
  It takes work.
  It takes time.
  It is going to mean changing the way that you do things now and making sure that your boredom, apathy, and feeling frustrated spurs you on to actually take some action.
  Because, if you keep going with the flow and doing what you're doing, then you are going to either remain stuck or you're going to eventually separate and divorce and then potentially wonder if you did everything that you could before you threw in the towel.
So, How Do I Begin To Change Things If I'm Totally Not In Love Anymore?: I was chatting with a woman about this the other day and she said "yes, you're right, I want things to change, but I'm not sure if you fully get that I just don't love him anymore.
  The love is completely dead and I just don't see anyway to get it back.
"  I promise it wasn't that I was ignoring what she was telling me.
  I just did not want her to dwell on that and get distracted from moving forward.
Plus, I didn't want for her to put too much pressure on this process.
Because it was going to take some time.
  And she was going to have to be happy with and acknowledge small improvements which would eventually lead to big changes.
  I had her at first to just focus on time.
  I wanted to see how much time they were spending together doing fun and enjoyable things that could excite them both.
  Because if you are focusing on exciting, new things, then you are not as likely to have that "is this all there is" response.
And, truly, like anything else, marriage is very much a time in equals quality out type of equation.
  You can not expect to not put in the effort and yet enjoy the same results.
  But, the idea right now is just to gradually add in fun things that don't feel like "work" or require you to try too hard.
  Sometimes, people will say things like "yeah, but my spouse is going to fall over when I suggest this.
He is going to think I'm up to something.
" Well, you don't need to make a huge deal out of it or to tell him that these excursions are make or break time for your marriage.
  You can simply say that you feel like doing something fun.
  He or she may resist at first but once you get a couple of these outings behind you, things will get a lot easier.
See, being "in love" or "feeling in love" is very dependent upon two very willing people who are on their best behavior and who are putting their best foot forward and are giving intense amounts of effort and time.
The result, of course is very intense feelings that you want to continue.
  But eventually responsibilities and obligations begin to push their way back in and we put our spouses at the end (or backwards part) of the line.
  And then we are kind of surprised to wake up one day and see that the intensity of our feelings has changed.
  We'll tell ourselves that we've lost the spark or the connection but we don't realize that we could start to undo a lot of the damage by restoring the time and effort as our first line of defense.